Life: "Get Rich And/Or Suffer From Crippling Anxiety" By Alx.O

I would like to start by saying fuck anxiety, more specifically Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And I say that of course as someone who suffers from it.

One of the most annoying things you can say to a person with anxiety is something like, “Hey, what happened, you were so pumped a few days ago?!” Yeah! No shit, asshole!! Well, guess what, I don't know what fucking happened either!!! This, of course, being my internal monologue going nuts..lol smh

And I recognize that it's hard for people without anxiety issues to understand what its like. Sometimes it's even hard for me to fully understand it. But that doesn't make anything easier for me.

I'm currently a licensed Realtor, audio engineer, music producer, writer and aspiring serial entrepreneur and no matter how much I enjoy all of these things, all of them produce varying levels of crippling anxiety in me. I sometimes joke, to myself, that maybe I would be better off in a cubicle somewhere..lol smh But no, honestly I love what I do and it’s why I stay the course and move forward regardless of my anxiety issues. Something I realized a few years ago was that I can’t let my anxiety stop me from trying to live the life I want. And ironically, I want to live a pretty fucking full and wild, memorable, important, and selfless life which definitely invokes a sense of anxiety in me but hey, it's what I want. So then that's what I strive for. Yet with that said, once again, none of that makes anything easier for me.

Last week, I spent the better half of my week wallowing in despair because I had just finished reading a book and now I had to implement everything I learned from it, into real life. Which was no probably while I was still reading it but once I finished, the whole thing became way too real. It’s like a spotlight was turned on me and all I could see was a red “ON AIR” sign lit up right in front of me. All of a sudden, I don’t know what to say, what to do, much less what to think. I just go blank and fall into what has become an all too familiar mental decline into crippling anxiety. It was horrible. I spent most of the time thinking about every single time I’ve failed in life, everyone I’d let down if I didn’t succeed, and how much I hated myself for being so fucked in the head. It was all just one big blob of uncategorizable emotion which, thankfully, led to a very sincere yet arguably embarrassing phone call with one of my closest childhood friends, Leo. I’ve been replaying that moment in my head ever since and honestly I’m only really half embarrassed, the other half kind of finds the whole thing pretty funny actually. Like, I wonder what he was doing before he got that random call from a sobbing friend. Like, what if he was taking a dump or something and just didn’t want to say. So he just sat there and rode that whole moment out..lol Either way, him picking up the call was clutch and I can’t express the level of gratitude I have for him because, after that conversation, I started feeling better again.

The next day I woke up fine and went back to doing what I do best and implementing the book was not an issue at all. My mind had reset and I was back to my normal self. Which I don’t say to minimize the experience but rather to give you a glimpse into a day in the life of someone with massive ambition and anxiety issues. I will never know when the next attack will hit me, for how long, or for what reason. But what I do know is that I will not let it stop me from aspiring to live the life that I want to live. Because I believe my contribution to the world and humankind is far too large and important to simply allow my anxiety to stop me. Yet, regardless of how large or small, anyone’s contribution is. I believe all contributions are far too important to let anxiety stop them. That is another reason why I told this story. To let others, like me, know that they aren’t alone. Yes, today may suck but tomorrow can be better and if not, then the next day or the next. Just keep waking up, talk to whoever you need to talk to, do whatever you need to do and then keep moving forward. Because no matter how bad it gets, it will eventually pass and you will find yourself again. I promise you, this too shall pass.